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Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Nothing says "classy" like a brawl in Wal-mart

This weekend was terribly disappointing for me because, after a few weeks of moderate, runnable pain, I ran ten miles on Sunday and spent the rest of the day doubled over in pain. I could not lift my left leg without some serious pain. I think it's time to actually get an MRI, what do you think?
Other than that, the run was pretty good. Even though it was steamy hot (our week of fall weather is over), I wanted to attempt a little speed, so I ran at about 7:30 pace but did the first minute of every mile as a speedy pick-up, about 6-min pace. I don't think the mild speed added to the pain, but not sure.
The pain was worsened because I followed the ten miler with a 4-mile walk: the NO/AIDS walk, benefiting the NO/AIDS foundation. It's a great fundraiser (I do it most years), but I should have been home icing. *Edited to add: Remarkably, pain abated by track Monday night, and I feel ok again*
After an afternoon of heart-breaking football, I decided it was time to man up and go to Wal-Mart. Let me tell you something about that store. I hate it. It is filthy and full of the kind of people who bring shame to America's name. Plus, you don't really save any money over clever shopping at a local grocery. Unfortunately, I am a rude and picky girl when it comes to my coffee, and I've settled on this brew as my drink of choice:
Most delicious coffee ever

You will notice a problem here. I have sworn my hatred of Wal-mart and have actually promised to never return pretty much every time I ever shop there. Yet this coffee is produced by (or at least packaged for) Wal-mart only.
So, I dragged myself to Wal-mart, armed with a library book in the case of super long lines, and managed to do two amazing things:
1. I got everything on my list (other good Wal-mart buys are grated cheese, whole wheat bread, Smucker's PB, and shelled walnuts).
2. I got into a fight in the candy aisle.
Classy, no? I was in the candy aisle buying snack mix (another good buy, $4.98 for a large bag) and watched a wretched specimen of humanity open a bag of Laffy Taffy, remove two handfuls (one went into her bra, the other she started eating right away), and then stuff the open bag back onto the shelf and continue shopping. My blood simmered a little. Not boiled, just simmered. Me and my big mouth decided to shame her. Stupid idea. People like that have no shame.
I said, "Excuse me ma'am, but are you planning on buying that bag of candy?" Her response was an instant torrent of profanity, the gist of which was that she could do what she wanted, I should mind my own business, and she had four kids at home she needed to feed. I didn't want to egg her on, but I couldn't help snickering at the last bit. "I will gladly buy you bread and milk for your children," I said, "But I highly doubt your family is having a Laffy Taffy nutrient emergency." Then I left to check out. Crazy lady actually followed me, swearing like a sailor, and got in line behind me while she called her "homies" and told them to meet me outside and cut me up (from my eyeballs to my %&^$, actually). At this point another women in line went and got security, complaining that the language was disgusting and that she didn't think we were safe. Miraculously crazy lady shut up when the police showed up, and the officer was kind enough to walk me to my car.
The hilarious thing is that the women was still pulling Laffy Taffy out of her bra and scarfing it down the entire time this drama unfolded, including in front of security!

So that's the story of my brawl in Wal-mart. My husband says to stop being a hero or I will get killed in the Wal-mart parking lot, and what kind of obit would that be?


  1. O.M.G. that is hilarious (the Wal-Mart lady...NOT your pain, lol). I cannot believe people...I'm actually at a loss for words but feel I need to type something, haha! I wouldn't have the balls to say what you did but I think it's awesome that you did! I am glad she didn't "cut" you and that you got an escort! FYI, I am still shaking my head as I replay the scene you just described...what has society come to, lol.

  2. I've definitely seen a guy smacking around his girlfriend in the NOLA Walmart. That was on the same trip that I realized that the entire store was out of cheese and I decided never to return. (It was the hubby's idea to shop there in the first place, so I just put my foot down!)
    Does the Sam's club have the same coffee as Walmart by any chance?

  3. So... I have a very low opinion of Wal-Mart shoppers thanks to websites like The People of Wal-Mart. (call me a snob. whatever.) But this story managed to shock even my jaded self.


  4. PS - Maybe Wal-Mart online for the coffee from now on?

  5. Oh my gosh. My favorite line of all time: "not having a Laffy Taffy nutrient emergency." You rock for having the balls to speak up like that! I'm so thankful that Target is about 3 miles from here.

    I hope you get to the bottom of the pain!

    1. +1 on your quote. Good grief. Hilarious and terrible, all at once.

  6. Wow what a story...isn't humanity swell sometimes...i swear natural selection needs to start happening again i tells u

  7. I think they hand out Darwin award nominations for this type of behaviour Grace! Which is my way of saying you are braver than I.

    I learn all I know about American people and culture from

  8. I avoid Wal-Mart like the plague. A very bad plague. (like there is a good plague out there somewhere)

  9. Ha! Good for you for saying something! I love that she was talking about "feeding her kids" with Laffy Taffy, AND that she probably ate it all right after claiming that. Of all the things to steal!

    I'm sorry to hear that your pain was back...I hope you get that figured out soon!

  10. I can't decide if I want to laugh hysterically or sit here with my mouth open in horror. Did you feel like you were on candid camera??? You can't make up a story that good! :)

    SORRY about the pain, but glad it felt better by Monday. I sure hope it stays away now!!

  11. What the heck! An employee would be fired over that type of thing. It's theft! Too bad that the store was probably understaffed or maybe someone might have had the time to press charges. Can't figure out that one. I probably would have gone behind her back and tipped off someone, but that's my sneaky chicken-out side.

    After all that you have been through (months of trying to get over this), if you have the insurance I would get the MRI. I don't have insurance, so that's always what keeps me from going in. Maybe something would turn up that has been missed.? At least you could cross MRI off the list.
    Sorry about the pain, but glad you felt better after a few days.

  12. I think an MRI would not be a dumb thing to do.

    And you know how the heat follows you to all of your races? Well, WalMart-ish crap like that follows me everywhere :( I am finally learning when to walk away. Most of the time.

  13. I hate walmart also. Ever since we joined Costco I rarely have to go there at least. I can't believe no one else said anything! Or hello Walmart security, perhaps check this lady to find stolen goods. I love that you spoke up, that's hilarious, but at the same time pathetic that she got away wth it. Glad your eyeballs and everything else didn't get cut.

  14. You described my feelings about Walmart to a T - the last time I went there was probably 6 years ago and I swore I would never go back, I even left my shopping cart full of stuff in the aisle. That place just makes my skin crawl!
    Bummer about that pain:( maybe an MRI is a good idea...
    ps- the $12 roller was from amazon, I think I ended up paying about $20 with shipping,must it was way cheaper than the other trigger point ones, and just as good, of not better, according to the reviews. I don't even know what brand it is - I couldn't find it anywhere on the package.

  15. scary and hilarious at the same time. glad you survived!