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Monday, July 11, 2011

Ten inventions fitness bloggers need.

1. The Two-way Camera. Takes a picture in both directions, so in one click you capture the race scene and create your own race self-portrait. Ideal for saving energy during a long race!
2. The Digital Diet. Software with food-recognition that automatically finds and replaces fried foods, fast foods, and desserts with quinoa, chia seeds, and Greek yogurt (respectively) in your food photos before a post is published.
3. The Watermark Eraser. A handy app that removes water marks from race pictures stolen off the race website.
4. The Man-Bag fuel belt. A canvas and leather bag that resembles a tool belt, but is sized for Gu...because we all know that a Spi belt is just a tiny little purse you wear around your race. If blogging is already challenging your masculinity, don't make it worse by posting pictures of yourself with a purse!
5. The Wardrober. An add-on to Blogger that recognizes outfits and prevents a post from publishing if you wear the same outfit two days in a row. Avoids embarrassing public knowledge of your clothing re-wears. Bonus: The next Blogger update will include Wardrobe 2.0, which also stops posts if your clothes are inside out, you got deodorant on your shirt, or your outfit choices are age-inappropriate.
6. The Self-Portraiter. Essentially a well-placed shelf, allows your to set your camera timer and take a mirror picture without holding the camera in front of your face.
7. The Blog Bike. A Tri-bike designed for the active blogger and triathlete, featuring a handlebar PC with Wi-fi to allow bikers to update their blogs while cruising through mile 50.
8. The Spell-Check Plus. In addition to checking your spelling, scans your post for the "in" factor key words. Current key words are "Fail", "Green Monster", "Epic", "Killed", and "Awesomesauce". Posts missing at least one of these words will be edited to contain two or more "in" words plus at least one reference to a bodily function. Spell Check Plus is regularly updated to include words most popular in the blogosphere, and has seasonal additions (September and April add the word Boston, for example).
9. The Smart Chip. A re-usable race timing chip that automatically updates your blog as you hit key points in your race. Your time as you hit pre-programmed points will be posted to your blog. Since the chip also reads heart rate and senses moisture and temperature, it is able to accurately assess your physical well-being and generates a post based on this data. For example, a post at mile 20 might read, "Just hit twenty miles in two hours and forty-five minutes. Starting to feel the heat and hills here...might be hitting the wall in about a mile!"
10. The Hills Backdrop. A discreet fold-away back drop with a scene of realistic hills can be placed behind you, upping the hard-core-ness of any running or biking self-portrait. Available in three versions, "Rolling hills", "Steep inclines" and "Holy crap that's a 200 foot sheer cliff".

18 comments:

  1. Haha! Great post, I found #2 particularly funny!

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  2. Awesomesauce? I've got to get some of that, would be totally epic.

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  3. These are great! I'm off to add them in now.

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  4. I'll take a 1, 3 and 5 please. I could probably still be reminded that I need to dress age-appropriately, sadly enough.

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  5. Haha those are really funny! I need number 3 for sure and number 10 would be especially good for days where my time is not so good. Then I can blame it on the hills!

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  6. Hahaha very cool. I love the "watermark eraser" idea.

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  7. Haha, I love this post! SO creative, and of course I would like every one of those inventions please!

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  8. luggage on wheels. just cause. :D

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  9. Love it. (PS, they really ARE 200 foot sheer cliffs! I promise I don't exaggerate!)

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  10. You crack me up. #4 is awesome. So was your comment on my Blog. So funny. BTW, my g.f. is from LA and there are a bazillion Fleur de Lys all over her house.

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  11. Hilarious! I haven't bought a fancy camera yet and self portraits of anything other than your face and feet are tricky on an iphone!

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  12. I like #1, taking pictures during races is so taxing!! :)

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  13. lol these are hilarious! #9 is probably my favorite!

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  14. You need to pitch this to some running companies! Ha!

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  15. You are so creative!! These inventions would ease up our busy blogging schedules! :) #10 would make us all look hard core!

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  16. Haha! Good one (er, 10). Did you think these up on your morning run?

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  17. I love this post. With each one that I read, I pictured how it could really fit into my life! LOL!

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