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Monday, October 19, 2009

Ten things I just cannot do right.

1. RETURN LIBRARY BOOKS ON TIME. I live at the library. You'd think I could remember to bring my finished books with me for my almost daily trips! What is wrong with me! And why is the library assistant always snickering?! I'm pretty sure my fines have paid for a brand new air conditioner at my local branch.
2. Trim my bangs. I know what they are supposed to look like, and I feel as if, as an artist, I should be able to direct my hands to perform the snips required to obtain that look. Instead I have this really alien angle to them.
3. Drink a Starbucks frappucino drink without dripping. I can't do this because it is not physically possible. I dare you, go buy one of those ill-designed glass bottles and just TRY not to dribble on your crisp white button-down.
4. Take medication. You know, if I was an organ transplant patient, I would just have to die, that's all there is to it. I simply cannot remember to take prescribed medication. I hate to admit how many bottles of unfinished penicillin are in my medicine cabinet (and I sure ain't telling my dentist). And I'm a pharmacist!
5. Take vitamins. Same story here. I have a bottle of 90 multivitamins on my desk and I just glanced at the half-full bottle and noticed that the price sticker is from a store in a city I lived in four years ago. It took me four years to take 50 vitamins.
6. Cook turkey bacon or sausage. I zealously add microwave minutes, trying for a golden brown. I simply cannot figure out that turkey sausage is supposed to be a lifeless gray resembling the fingers of a drowned corpse. Therefore I end up with turkey briquettes instead.
7. Paint the nails on my LEFT hand. I'm right-handed, so this should be easy. It's not! I always have colorful cuticles though. Maybe I can start a trend.
8. Feed babies. I give them colic. Moms hate me.
9. Get off the escalator gracefully. I dread that last step when I trip on my toe.
10. Water my plants. They all die a dreadful death in about 2 weeks.

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