Open letter to dog-walkers in Audubon Park

Dear dog owners,
It's time we had a long-overdue chat. We need you to understand a few basics about dog walking.

1. Yes, your dog is very cute. But I am not going to agree with you about that one while he is actively eating my sock. I think he's cute, but he needs to keep the ol' canines to himself.

2. Your leash is 39 feet long. The path around the park is 12 feet wide. That means your dog may be playing limbo with all runners and joggers. Frankly, you are so in the way, and I am not going to go off the track and run all the way down by the ducks just to go around your leash. Reign'r in.

3. You do look funny walking around carrying a plastic bag full of poo!

4. I hate to burst your bubble, but stopping in the middle of the path so your dog can make "friends" with a fellow dog is just not going to have a happy ending. Your dog will do one of two things:
I. Try to mate with its new "friend"
II. Try to eat its new "friend"
Or both. Meanwhile you are taking up the whole path, forcing me to scoot in the biking lane, where I will be run over by a man in a tight neon onesie.

5. Oh barf, I just saw your dog eat its own poo and now it is drinking out of the people water fountain. Can you not see the doggie water fountain RIGHT BELOW IT?!

6. For crying out loud, it's 98 degrees out here and your dog has a built in fur coat! Take the poor soul indoors already! His eyes are rolling back into his head!

Thanks, pooch people. I know you love your dog and both you and your dog have a right to use the park too, but let's try to share the space, please?

PS - That's the park on a very quiet empty day - must be right before a hurricane. Remind me to tell you about how hubby and I stayed for Gustav and had like no food at all in the house. It was actually fun in a weird, Little House on the Prairie sort of way.