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Monday, January 6, 2014

Everything I never want to read about on a blog

1. Your smoothie recipe. Not appetizing. Newsflash: smoothies don't photograph well. And I don't need your recipe. If you need a recipe for a smoothie, you have oatmeal for brains (But carbs! Horror!).
2. How you used to think you were fat, but now you think you're just right, except you have insecurities about your thighs, and then there are people who tell you you're too muscular, but you know it just means you're STRONG SUPERWOMAN, but you worry about wearing shorts in public, and training for a marathon made you fat, and you don't like the term petite, and you embrace your thick quadriceps, and you cried because a stranger said you had cankles. Snore.
3. Any "recipe" created with protein powder. Barf. Protein powder is not a substitute for any real food, and that includes flour.
4. Your relationship with food. Who the heck has a "relationship" with food? You eat, or you die. Food nourishes you, and hopefully it tastes good, too. Not complicated.
5. All about your fake allergy/intolerance/disease. Truly lactose intolerant? Then show me the lab work, honey. Or just tell the truth: "I quit eating dairy because I get stomachaches when I run" is a perfectly acceptable statement. And while "I don't eat gluten because I need rigid rules to prevent me from overeating desserts" isn't perfectly acceptable, at least it's true.
6. Your review of the same. exact. crap. that every other blogger is also giving away this week (or better yet! That most are giving away but you are keeping and just reviewing!)
7. The Dramatic Failed Race. You didn't make your goal. I'm sorry. However, the time it takes you to run a marathon says nothing about who you are as a person. Move on.
8. The Dramatic Successful Race. I'm way more tolerant of this post, because I like to celebrate runners' successes with them - and these posts aren't filled with the same kind of nauseating self-flagellation as the Dramatic Failed Race posts are. But tell me details of the race, not how beating your goal made you a better mother or saved your marriage or solved world hunger. It didn't.
9. The Dramatic Failed Long Run. Seriously? No one cares. Long runs are supposed to feel bad. And if you're beating yourself up over a long run that sucked, you really need to reevaluate your priorities. Go volunteer at a shelter or something, just stop crying over the fact that you got tired at mile 9. Please.
10 The "I've-been-relying-on-X-brand-for-a-long-time" sponsorship reveal post crap. Mmmhmm. Sure. You never mentioned this sports drink in your life, and suddenly it's your "go-to long run nutrition"?
11. Your "healthy re-make" recipe. Guess what? Egg whites, nut butter, and some squash does not = pancakes. Nope.
12. How much you over-indulged this weekend on woo-hoo! Half a beer! Woo-hoo! Ate a gluten-free black bean brownie with a teaspoon of Arctic Zero!

I don't want to read any of that tripe. And that, my friends, is why I have a teeny tiny blog.

25 comments:

  1. Bahahaha. I've slowly been culling blogs from my feed reader on this exact basis. Mostly because they bore me to tears. The amount of processed food substitutes (protein powder, powdered peanut butter, shirataki noodles or spaghetti squash in place of regular spaghetti) that a blogger mentions is usually a good proxy of how boring they are.

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  2. Haha! Yeah sometimes certain things do get old. I tried to do a few reviews on my blog, but my heart was just not into it. I am way too tempted to say, "I received this sports drink for free and that doesn't make it taste any better!"

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  3. With you!!!
    Although I may have posted about a failed long run...HELP!!!!

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  4. He, he. You know I'm on board with this. I think that sometimes these things spread like viruses on blogs. I just have to turn away when I see some of it.

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  5. This made me laugh...and cringe wondering how many of these could apply to me. Not the recipes, at least, bc I still cook some version of what my mom always made.

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  6. Hahaha! Since I've never run 9 miles, I know you're not talking about me ;) Another one that I would add to this list is an otherwise enjoyable to read blog that becomes ad after ad after ad after ad. I've got two right now that I'm so disappointed in. I get needing the funds, but there are plenty of blogs out there that use external funds and don't feel like all I'm doing is reading a commercial. I've culled some over the holidays as well.

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  7. Haha, bravo! I also really hate those "here's what I had for breakfast, busy busy, gotta go!" posts. An excuse to put something on the internet for page views when you really have nothing to say.

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  8. Phew. I don't think my blog is guilty of any of those, lol!! I agree though, especially about the lactose/gluten/intolerances. Enough already.

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  9. lol! I don't think my blog has any of those things above!

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  10. ahhhhhhhhhahahahahahahahahahaaaaa I love this.

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  11. Damn, I just mentioned my thighs in my last post, but I swear it was the first time!

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    Replies
    1. I have reviewed your mention of thighs and have determined that it falls under "acceptable use". Carry on.

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  12. More of this Gracie please ... because this is one of the most awesome things I've read in a while!!! It's why I love your blog! (So glad I only partially made the list on a couple of points)

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  13. Very snarky...especially because one of the things that sometimes annoys me about your blog is you mentioning your huge thighs. I understand where you're coming from (though I don't read a lot of blogs so I haven't come across a lot of these issues that annoy you) and I'm sure you're a nice person, but posts like these don't make me want to read your blog. Obviously I'm in the minority.

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    1. Darn, I accidentally snarked on myself! (But, see, thigh complaints annoy you, too. It must be a universally annoying topic.)

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  14. Yes! Bitchiness! I love it!!!! :) I think this is my favorite post you've ever published! lol

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  15. I'm kinda over the whole FitFluential thingamagiggy blogs....barf.

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  16. MORE PAGE VIEWS.

    Well, I'm unique because I used to have a killer body but NOW I'm fat. And my food intolerances are REAL.

    I'm sick to death of running bloggers who get injured and then don't really take care of themselves or their injuries. Maybe cut back a few fucking miles...or ten? Stop avoiding imaging or cross-training.

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  17. Ha ha ha, I clicked over to your blog based on a comment you left on It's a dog lick baby world and seeing this as your first post... I know yours is a blog I will love! :)

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  18. Awesome! And don't forget the "I didn't really prepare/train for this race, but I finished and that's all that matters" post.

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  19. Ha - your post made me laugh out loud. Thanks!

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  20. Loved this. I used to blog but could no longer stand most of the people who blogged. I think this is the first comment I have left in almost a year.

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  21. I'm nodding and laughing at pretty much all of it. If it says review in the title, I'm skipping.
    Also- mashed bananas and some almond flour or protein powder as a pancake? Hell no. You can't even pretend that is good.

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